you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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