cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
