How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
