I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I won the penis lottery.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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