im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
