It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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