Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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