u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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