Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
