five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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