She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
