A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
