Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
