You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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