My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
