bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
