So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
