We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
