I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
