My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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