I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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