And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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