You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
