we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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