fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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