I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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