I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
