i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
