my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
