1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
