got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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