I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
