i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
being pregnant is like rehab
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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