just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure