it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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