12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
