my mouth tastes like poor choices
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
