is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just threw up on my dentist
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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