When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
