WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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