she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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