My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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