The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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