Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
