Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
