i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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