would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
