The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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