OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
