Screwed.edu
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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