I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
