gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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