I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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